It’s been a while… I hope all is well

First off, what’s up world?!! It’s been a long time and I didn’t forget you all. I’ve just been busy trying to tackle life and tackle everything that comes my way and keeping God first and all that I do. Let’s just say it’s been a rough 2022… I’ve learned a lot but I still need to grow. I’m excited about 2023. People say it’s “the MJ Year”, “the goat year”. To me it’s just another day but it’s another day to get it right.

It’s been a while since I updated you all in my life. I’m not married but I’m happy. No kids and that’s fine. Polo is still good. My dog, you all know. He’s 10. I can’t believe it. The gray is covering his beard and his whiskers are turning colors, but he still has that energetic spirit of a 3-year-old… Even as I’m typing this right now, he’s just looking at me ready to play- but it’s not the time right now bro. Daddy has work to do. My student loans are paid off and I give all things to God. Being financially free is the key to my life to be able to do the things that I want to do, to achieve the dreams that I didn’t really see that attainable in the past.

I published my first book around March of 2022 entitled shoestring Dreams part 1. And to my surprise it was received really well to the public… It only motivated me to be better in my next book. Which I plan to release this year sometime in the summer. I’ve always had a passion for writing as you all know from reading my blogs over the years, but I want to be more serious and right with more intent to the public. Clearly I’m still at work in progress with his writing thing. But the fact that I’m putting my thoughts on paper and publishing them speaks volumes too where I’ve come just 3 years ago when covid first started. Kobe Bryant’s death made me really realize my life here and I never forgot that day. My grandfather passed away in 2021 and that was rough as well. And it also made me look at life in a different way… To go get anything that you dreamed of. Hence my books.

I still suffer from depression… It eats at me daily. Isolating myself never helps as people who suffer from this understand if anything it might exacerbate the issue. So hitting the gym keeps me happy. It keeps me active and engaging with people finding out that I’m not really alone like I think I am. I love my family and they are always my biggest support system when everything else turns their back on me… I mean everything. But don’t get it twisted. I love life. Sometimes I feel like love doesn’t love me back… But I’m alive talking to you all so I guess life does love me? My therapist, she’s a Wonder woman… 12 years strong. She even bought my book!! That’s love…

I’m also finding out love doesn’t really mean telling someone. “I love you”. But more so the action that constructs the phrase “I love you”. Many just want it said aloud to them. I just want to see the action that fits the phrase… And personally that has been a challenge for me my whole life. But I have another day to get it right and understand my purpose here. And for the ones in my life now, just understand I’m a work in progress- like you.

Speaking of working progress like my next book that I’m working on… I think I’m going to entertain the thought of creating a podcast. Of course, this oversaturated market of podcasting might have me at the bottom of the algorithm. But I want to keep pushing the agenda. I want my voice heard even if it’s only three people listening- “Thank you”. My boys had the idea of creating a podcast about five or six years ago, but they didn’t have the drive to really do it… Letting them take control. Now five six years later, no podcast. But I’m going to try to do it myself and see what I can muster up. So for all my audience members here reading my blogs and who purchased my book be on the lookout for that as well and I’ll keep you updated. I have to Wade the Waters like always! But it’s time to be more open and transparent… Many of you have opened up to me. I’m not the only one in these waters. We all have a battle. And said, ” I love you”. Now let’s go to work!! I’ll write to you all soon!

Love and peace!

~1~

The Pieces

Hey world! I hope everything- “And I mean EVERYTHING”- is going well for you. I miss you all! I can’t even fake- y’all are my people. The supporters of my writing before I even became a published author, which is still crazy to imagine

http://www.wadethewaters.com is my official website!


There have been a lot of moving pieces shaping who I am, as I venture out into the world with Pride. I’m here to talk to y’all a bit. Give you all an update! It’s a damn shame I haven’t written to you all in what seems like ages ago. Dré needed to wade the waters of his personal life. So, sorry for the distance- “We’re still all family right!?” I mean, some family members can go weeks, months, maybe years without speaking. But once we link up, it’s like we never missed a beat!


Can you believe André (yes, this guy) has two books as a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!! It’s a blessing to me, and shows what faith and hard work can achieve! I’m personally shocked by my own resilience when it comes to book writing and creating stories. Like a rapper in the studio- “I got some bars”. This shit was hard though. And I’m not even speaking on the publishing aspect of my writing journey. With that said, it takes a lot of time, dedication, and commitment to craft a well-read book. Material that will keep the reader engaged. And even then, I still feel I’m lacking. But that’s just me being hard on myself. Consistency, practice, and patience are other attributes needed for success in accomplishing any drafted book idea.


There were days and weeks where I literally questioned myself, “Why the fuck am I doing this!?” I’m not James Patterson, or even an R.L. Stine- who was a childhood favorite of mine at the scholastic book fair. Hell, I envy the way Alex Haley composed the book “ROOTS”. In a good way; it left me in awe that people can do THIS style of writing and do it very well! I’m André Wade, the same guy that couldn’t decipher which way was “left,” and which way was “right”, all the way up to the ripe age of 12 (true story). The same Andre Wade that has failed countless spelling tests given out to the classroom at the end of week in grade school. Only to have some of my teachers think the WORST of me.

I’ll never forget the disgusted looks teachers would give me as they graded the classroom papers… I would look back, sad and disappointed in myself… Even as a kid- I knew what that looks meant. Often, I would receive an “F” or “D+” just to soften the blow I guess. But placing it on my desk face down, purposely, the kids knew what that meant! The shitty thing about all of this was the teachers never explained to me how I could improve. Something I never forgot.


Today, I find it sad but humbling. Because even then those teachers didn’t kill my writing dreams. R.L Stine, who created, Goosebumps kept that fire alive, as well as Beverly Cleary who created, the Ramona collection. Scholastic book fairs were serious business to me. Even as a “self-proclaimed” writer at 8 years-old, I envisioned my books one day being sold to the people around the world. So, as we stand in 2023- at 37 years of age- I’m seeing my childhood dreams becoming reality. I can touch it! I can see my books! I can flip the pages and see the context and chapters- I wrote! I promise, one day I will have my stories EVERYWHERE!

Remember this blog…


I pinned Mid-October as my projected release date and (thank the Lord) I made it! Currently, it’s available online for purchase (Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kindle). I made it available electronically, paperback, or hardcover! Also in advance, I want to say, “Thank you!” to whomever has purchased my first book, Shoestring Dreams Pt.1, and my new book, “Andre’s Customer Service Soapbox”. My latter is a self-help book that I promise, is a game-changer for the readers to digest. Especially if you have seen how crappy customer service has become!!! This book is good for the soul…

Oh yea!!!!
Change of subject: I went skydiving for the first time EVER! And it was a date. So clearly, she knows what she’s doing to get my attention. Because I didn’t purchase these tickets- she did! The plane took use to the height of 12,000 feet. Look… the air up there is COLD! Everybody working there knew I had to be a newbie, because I had the genius idea of choosing to wear knee-length shorts and a t-shirt to jump out of a plane. I wasn’t aware until the on-site parachute training, that we MUST land on our asses- not our feet. So, in other words, Grand Theft Auto 5 lied to me. Life isn’t a video game kiddos! And to top it off, guess who was the FIRST one to jump out? “This guy”. Nevertheless, and nerves set aside, I had a blast. And I think I met someone beyond cool- and slightly crazier than I. Because if she had the nuts (for a lack of better words) to do this, I wanna see where this is headed!!

Yea…I’m crazy!


Of course I’m still hooping! #Ballislife But I’m also learning- “Ball is life is in fact NOT my whole life”. I’m learning that no matter how much you love playing the game, there is a self-life that comes with it. I’m still a dog on the court, and your average hooper still couldn’t see me under a microscope. I’m just starting to see and “feel” life differently, and with different lenses. But damn it sure feels good to win!!!

2023 Champs!! Another trophy for the mantle.

I do love what I’m seeing, and who I’m becoming as a man. It’s like a new chapter of a book I was so scared to start reading because I crave it, but it wasn’t flashy- being a writer isn’t flashy. And nobody is dunking on anyone, unless you write it in a story. But shit, other than writing, this chapter will have nature walks, outdoor camping, more reading, attending wine venues and sporting events I’m not participating in. I’m strictly a fan. In other words, “I’m trying to let my hair down, and smile more”. And truth be told, it’s rewarding me handsomely.


Man, there is so much I want to catch you all up with. But for now, I’m taking a hard stop on this blog entry. It’s been so long since I spoke with you all, I can’t overload you with it all. Baby steps. I do PROMISE from this day forth, I’ll make a blog entry monthly, until this time next year. It going to be journey, I want all of you to be apart of. I might even get a YouTube channel going! #staytuned


I love you all and I can’t stress that enough. And I hope that seeing a post from me makes you smile. I’m like the cousin you haven’t heard from in a while.

With that said, make sure you say something nice to somebody today. Hold doors open for the elderly. Look folks in the eye when speaking, be mindful of your tone! Remember, YOU control YOUR happiness. Don’t let the miserable live “rent free” in your head! Know your value and always know you are blessed beyond measure!

My second published book! Available now!


Love!
~1~

2022 Summer of Lesson

I’ve been “living” these past few months, or something like that. I’ve taken some solo trips inside of the country. I still haven’t been to places like Utah, Idaho (You da Hoe!), and Wyoming. I can check one of those states off of the list. But in a nutshell, this world is so grand. It’s amazes me to see faces I have never met, or even known was created by God. There are so many people among us, those are my aliens until those creatures from space greet us. I’m kidding…I’m kidding… kind of. However, I’m very serious on venturing out more. And this summer helped me see the vision.

Around March I finally published my DEBUT book—Shoestring Dreams. This was something I envisioned for myself, and I saw it through. For my first book, I don’t care what anyone says, I’m damn proud! The work and it took me to formulate, write, revise, write, cry, through my notebook at the wall, revise, and write some more. Guess what? I would do this shit all over again, in a heartbeat. It stretched me. It got me out of my comfort zone. It got me away from the pandemic. Even though I had this envisioned before the world shut down, the pandemic gave me an “extra gear”. So, when I finished writing, and publishing it out for sale (wadethewaters.com) I decided to enjoy my summer. And with over 600 hours of leave…I’m doing just that.

I needed to get out of the house, as many of you know, depression can whoop my ass. And being isolated in my house didn’t help too much. Polo did all he could do, bless his heart. Still, it was up to me to get myself out of this “funk”. I was tired of the cooking, cleaning dishes, meal prep every week—for the past two years. The house at this point started talking to me, I was hearing things. I began to talk to myself more and more. My therapist says that is healthy, but let’s be real, I was doing that at an alarming rate. I’m still single. I’m not dating anyone, but I’m ready to get back out there again. God knows it. And God knows I won’t find out in the house, staring at the ceiling.

Tranquility

I used my leave (not all of it) and took a month off to “get away”. No staycation or anything like that. I have to go! I need to see people. I need to feel what it’s like to have someone’s eyes lock with mine and we can begin a conversation. I missed people watching. I missed hearing people laughing in the background of a mall or a public park I’m at. I missed what it’s like to feel human. I miss what it’s like to feel loved, authentically.

I’ll be 36 in a few weeks! Holy shit! That is awesome. Just as much as it is terrifying, with a dab of mystic. I’m still playing basketball at a high level, but basketball is not my life anymore. I’m finding new avenues to discovering more of who I am, and what God expects from me besides a wet, three-pointer and stellar defense. Writing, which has been under my nose the entire time, is one of those gifts I believe God has given me. Whether I’m good or bad at this, I have the love and passion to always want to express myself through writing. Not words…but writing. Putting a pen to a pad and stroking the ink to the page is therapeutic to anyone who uses this technique. And listen, don’t let that pen be a GREAT pen to write with, where it’s not bleeding all over the page and the ink is perfectly mixed. I want to dive more into this. As well as traveling more, which expands my literature. God’s plan.

The thing is, I have the hardest time of “taking the first step”. Don’t get me wrong, this trip has already happened and was a success. However, from that first step of saving money to travel, to putting in my leave request from work, to planning my first destination, and then, putting my ass in the car seat, and driving. I had to battle my fucking depression telling me, “Naw, this bed is perfect…. Where the hell you going?”

“To live, fool!”

And Lord willing, I did. But you know what, I want to keep the whole trip to myself. Just know that I did it. I had a blast. And I thank the Lord for giving me the opportunity to live and exist with all of you—the readers, the content creators. I love y’all. So, if you don’t mind… Let me cherish the sunrises and sunsets in my head and the intimate conversations I had with the locals of the towns I got to visit. Not everything is meant for social media, and I wish the more people thought this way. But we can’t change everyone, but we can simply show and express, with language like this, that it is possible to “live off the grid”. There is freedom in saying, “I’m going to keep my phone here”. Next thing I know, I’m in body paint having the time of my life, without even thinking I needed to snap a picture that I will probably never really look at, but twice. But this memory, lives on forever in my mind.

As I approach 40 in 4 years. I want to publish more books. I’m working on two right now and the fourth is in the planning stages. No lie, I will be an author to remember. The works I have I my mind I know can be achieved. Hell, I didn’t think I could take a cross country trip, solo. But I did. This summer showed me that nothing is out of the box. Nothing is considered “normal”. And really, what the fuck is a genre? Life doesn’t have genres if you live it freely. Without judgement and understanding that wisdom is given to those who ask of it. Wisdom is knowing we are all the same, and different. Grasping informative tools from each other, or lessons NEVER to repeat. “Take heed to my errors”. But don’t ever let your errors define you. God knows we are better than our errors.

It has been FOREVER since I wrote to my WordPress crew! My website is also official, too! My debut book, Shoestring Dreams, is on there and available on numerous platforms. God is good! And I’m just getting started. For all of my day ones! That have been around since my first ever blog. Thank you!!!  For my new readers, “WELCOME!” Take the time to check out some of my other blog postings.

I pray everyone has a great Labor Day Weekend! The weather is good where I’m at. My family is happy, my dog is loving life. And College Football is back.!!! Let’s go, THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY!!!!

😉

Love and Peace!

~1~

My awakening

Often times, moments strike us when we least expect it. I’m not immune… How we conquer these moments in times of great distress, says a lot about who we are and can be. And also, realizing we are human. And life impacts us all in some way, unbeknownst.

And as a human:

I haven’t always been the most honest man, I haven’t always been the easiest to love, I haven’t always been the easiest to talk to.

I have my reasons… not trying to justify those actions. And with God and his timing,  the older I get the more aware of who I am as a person, negatively- the more I do strive to change the narrative of my storyline.

I’m the author of my life, not you. And with all honesty, I’m thankful for these humbling lessons I continue to learn mature from- As long as they don’t kill me. I follow the quest for progress striving or greatness; knowing there will be speed bumps.

If you have been a follower of my blog for years- we both know- I’m not immune to this growing up shit. At times, I try to shield my feelings with other coping mechanisms. But sometimes the raw emotion of “that moment” (whatever it may be) is what needs to fuel your drive.

Most of my life and many therapy session later I still feel so empty… non-existent even. Wondering, “What is going to shape (define) my life?” Don’t get me wrong, people. I have plenty of mechanisms I operate- in which- betters myself and betters my working life.

Speaking moreso for my internal report card… right now, I feeling really below average. The good news (as there usually is) with work- i can change that attitude. And I don’t need any of my peers beating me down… I’m hard enough on myself as is. And another reason I stay to myself, sadly.

But clearly now – and, kinda on a different subject- I’m starting to see it take effect when it comes to my relationships and the women I find myself dating. And as much as I want that “one” in my life. I seem to always fumble the ball at the 5- yard line of the superbowl; the touchdown to get my ring.

When I love…I love you hard- friendship or girlfriend. I wonder if it could be hindering my growth. Especially when I know it’s best to let go and let the lesson play out. Honestly, that’s REALLY love. And the kicker is, I don’t want a perfect friend, I don’t want a perfect woman. But I need someone around me that gets me. If not- What’s the point?

But first, I just need to understand myself. And that is my dilemma

I really need to do some soul searching to find me. And it sounds cliche…corny..but, VERY cliche. So, I sit here writing to y’all morphed into a ball of confusion and wondering, “What is there to come of my life?” This feeling has never made me feel good.

Anxiety through the roof…

And whenever I get like this, and lean on my family for support. My dad would say “This makes you feel alive, huh, son? So, go tackle it”. And he’s right… In a sense. The man he has also lived longer, and seen more, been through more, and has probably experienced hurt more than I. But he’s got my back… as well as my mom and brother.

I thank them and love them for it.

In the end of it “all,” I really hope we can learn from these previous mistakes that come across life’s path… I also want people to understood that beating someone whike they are down will not help their growth, nor your own quest for maturity- only hinders it especially when you know better. Yes, as we know, it may feel good in the moment but what have you really gained?

And with everything going on in my life recently. I’m at the lowest low I’ve been in a long time. But, a new high I can’t describe. I’ll try maybe down the road… Stay tuned.

Wade the Waters

~1~

2020 hindsight- 2020(won)

Whew, I’m tired you guys. And I know everyone that made it through last year’s Coronavirus pandemic is just as exhausted as I am.

“Trust me, I feel you.”

We aren’t out of the woods just yet though! But when we do, somebody should make a t-shirt, saying ,“2021 movie trailer is gonna be lit!”. I applaud all who stood strong through this pandemic as we are finally seeing a light to the end of this tunnel. But not all of us made it. My family wasn’t immune. I lost some key figures in my unit last year. So, I don’t think anyone was immune to the bullshit last year brought us. But in 2020 hindsight, it may have been the “fire” my ass needed to get moving, so to speak. Doing what’s best for me and my future. For one, I paid my credit cards off, and on a clearer path to financial freedom. And two, I’m alive.

Personally, I loved 2020. I got to work from home 75% of the time and when I couldn’t, I had a nice off-site office just for me. I got to see my grandfather more too! As well as catch up with some close family and friends with whom I haven’t spoken to in a minute. I got to spend more time with my son; my dog Polo, who is more than annoyed by my overbearing presence in the house. He wants me gone. But my biggest accomplishment was I got to finish writing my first book!! Something I didn’t think was even attainable for me, but God had other plans than me doubting myself.

Granted, 2020 DID whip my ass in more ways than one. High school athletics took a major halt and took a huge chunk out of my “side hustle” money. Being single, when I’m alone at home I tend to let my thoughts run wild. And they aren’t good. They talking to yourself helps, but that’s all I do most times. Certainly it does keep me sane (if there is really such a thing). However, during this pandemic I needed to find another outlet, ASAP. Which I did. Besides having a dire need to play basketball with my friends (which ceased because of Covid-19), I took on running outside to a whole new personal level. I enjoyed it such much, I made it a consistent part of my routine now. Putting on my galaxy buds, running to the sunrise, feeling the sun hit my face. I saw things in the neighborhood I never noticed until 2020. Oh yea, I’m now running miles on average time of 6:35.

Fast forward to now, wondering what 2021 will bring me?

“Nothing.”

That’s what 2020 made me realize, in hindsight; YOU GOTTA GO GET IT! Sitting in the house for damn near a year is taxing for any man or woman, hell, even the kids have been effected dramatically, social skills impacted. Thankfully, I have other means of income but I couldn’t say the same for my boys in Dayton or Tennessee. Those damn chatroom text messages stung my soul over the year. And we are all solid people. Hard workers. Being transparent with each other has always been our thing, no matter how “hard” we think we are. We could smell bullshit a mile away. And my folks are hurting. The same folks who helped me get to where I’m at today.

I live in the nation’s capital now. Being older now, “slightly” more mature, I see how blessed I am. I’m more thankful now, than I was in 2000 going to high school with people I didn’t know growing up. Not to mention, besides my dog Polo, I’m kid-less in this pandemic (which is a whole different topic). So, being who I am, in my heart, and who my friends are, money needs to be made. Families livelihoods are on the line and we aren’t talking luxury lifestyles either; No brunch on Sundays.

Traveling in my boy’s SUV, headed to Kentucky. I can’t believe we have to make these sacrifices still, in 2021. I thought we grew out of this? But “we”, meaning my clique, were always taught to never get too comfortable with American standards of “winning”, cuz “we” aren’t as a whole…even if “I” am solely. Get it?

(Advice) as I’m crossing the Spence Bridge, it hit me. Never burn a bridge you know you still may need to cross. Ties like this are more critical now than ever in today’s economy. It’s sad because these are the only “resources” my folks and family know in the middle part of America. Yet, they don’t complain like I would. They humble me in times like this, letting me know “I’ve been gone from Ohio for some time.” In their eyes, they are blessed, not even looking for the stimulus check.

Ok I lied about that part…we all are! #Stimmy #Runit

2021, here we are, with the same maneuvers we conducted as if we were in 2008. This is the essence of knowing how to survive. The essence of helping a falling brother. This is what it truly means to be “American”. Hustle, wash, and repeat. At least I get some Pappadeaux out of this road trip. Y’all know me, I’m always looking for the good ‘ol silver lining in things. Wading the water like usual.

Love, and stay safe everyone

~ 1~

Wedding Day!

A cut on my hand, slightly swollen, but can’t really feel it, being 4 beers in. Modelo Negro is the best. Can’t believe I let my cousin beat me in P.I.G. Blame it on the previous sentence above. The cause of all this sudden joy in my body is due in part by two individuals. My brother and his new wife. Yes, my little brother has “jumped the broom”, in the old spiritual saying. Yes, I saw my brother getting hitched before I did, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. He was ready. Not that he wasn’t already, but damn, he’s a man now. Tears of joy fill my eyes writing this. The boy that use to follow me everywhere, is now leading the way to what “man hood” is. And bro, I couldn’t be any more blessed to have you as my guide.

I swear, I look up to you more than your ass knows. Sometimes, in my own personal crap, I don’t know WHERE to turn. My therapist is cool, don’t get me wrong. But you have literally studied me since you came into this world; best believe I was studying, analyzing, and picking on you throughout our youth. What’s a big brother supposed to do? It was love and our parents made sure it was always that, love. Now I’m seeing you start a new chapter, with the person YOU chose, not an arrange married, this is how you see love! And I love your lens. Your patience (even though you can be too slow sometimes), your courage, and your passion to help others as a Christian man; is everything our parents wanted for us.

I’ve feared the pain, hurt, and loss; you know that. So, I look at you, my little brother, as a blueprint for this love thing. Everyone was in awe of how captivating you two looked. Your wife is elite bro. My sister-in-law, I’ve known you for 8 years, and a lifetime to go. Call me for anything, you’re in the circle now. Continue to always wade the waters and do what’s feasible for the “team”. And please stay on top of my brother, he needs you! Ya’ll are Kobe and Shaq, MJ and Pippen, ya’ll the G.O.A.T. in my eyes. Relationships can be a challenge, and even though ya’ll aren’t perfect, you’re a team and everyone can see it. Indestructible. Again, forgive me for the “4 beers in” letter, this saying might be off but I’m going to shoot my shot:

“One ripped thread in a rope can unravel and weaken the whole thing”

I only say this to say, your so much stronger than rope, but this rope can be a symbol of an unhealthy relationship. God and Love, I know are equipped in your union, but the closeness ya’ll have is unmatched. You give me and everyone that knows you on a personal level, hope.

Dman, again, words can’t express the sincere joy I have in my heart for you. You are truly #GOALS and I’m so glad ya’ll are in my life. I hope I did your wedding justice being the part time Disc Jockey, mom didn’t like some of the songs when the “turn up” began, but it was ya’ll day. Still can’t believe lil’ Chuck beat me in P.I.G. Time to go ice this hand. Damn Modelo’s.

LOVE

NOTHING pt.2

“Nothing” adjective- Having no prospect of progress; of no value.

 

My resume screams “I’m something”. My friends tell me, “I am somebody”. Hell, I KNOW I’m somebody important. Since I last wrote you all I’ve had to face some obstacles that have given me more insight on how I, and others, operate, value, and treat one another.

With the help of my therapist, family, and friends, I have made some real strides in how I approach people and issues associated with them. My conflict resolution skills are on point lately! I’m learning now more than ever, “when it’s time to let go”. No matter the pain, if it’s not reciprocated on the other side, how does that make you or anyone feel? Probably pretty shitty…

 

I tend to try and keep myself “busy”, so I don’t have an idol mind; A mind just going 300mph, heading nowhere good, consuming any and every scenario, fact or fiction. If I don’t this will fester at me. I know this because I know myself. I’m even more pleased to know how to combat this temporarily. For me nothing is 100% guaranteed. However, running into issues is still challenging as the days progress. To where I get that numb “nothing” feeling I have for myself. Most of this is my own doing I’m quite sure; just like most of you all know when it pertains to bills, failed relationships, etc. Similar pain, numb to the world and its unforgiving actions.

Mind is deeply rooted in disappointments from family, friends, girlfriends, jobs, failed basketball tryouts; and I just can’t seem to shake it. The “shake” is in reference to my mental saying “you know this can’t be done, so why try?” The sick thing is; it seems like both sides of my conscience are in agreeance with whatever I do. They will shut it down. So, I try to look up to the Lord and pray and act.

Hence why I tell my friends and family when “I’m drained”. Everyday I’m pushing through to be a better me. My prayers each night ask for more wisdom and clarity for the errors in my ways. But sometimes (and only sometimes) when I interact with certain individuals, or coaching my hardworking kids, tutoring students; I’m beaten to shit, and I need to relax. But I’m so numb I can’t relax. And I don’t know if it makes sense, but I get it!

 

I don’t think I’m a “headcase”, that’s rude (but I’ve been called it). I’m probably a piece of work though. I want to be approachable again. Most folks don’t speak to me (i.e. women) probably due to me not being too approachable though, I can be standoffish. Which sucks because I do want to engage with the world better, outside of work. Work is no problem for me, that’s money. I’m not mad, but it’s something that I noticed, and correct it. I’d really like to get out there and be alive to the world, the smiles, the air flowing through my hair, the sun warming my skin after being eclipsed by the clouds. To have someone to share that with, if I wasn’t so numb.

Life is truly what you make it. Folks say I’ve done a lot in my “semi-young” age, but I feel nothing to that effect. However, things do need to change with me and within me. Hell, sometimes I wonder “Could you date yourself?” I believe life has much more in store if I seize the day. Speaking things into existence is CRITICAL to being a better you, in my opinion. I don’t to feel like “nothing” anymore. That feeling nothing shit is for the inanimate objects. I have blood in my veins, eyes to see, feelings to feel. Why should I withhold those feelings? Was there a lack of help when I needed it? The times folks were there, did I push them away? The fact I isolated myself in a world with over 7 billion people…

 

I continue to wade the waters for the fact I know I’m not alone and God will help me; as well as myself. Along with the help of others. The days of being and feeling nothing must end. Stuff like this pushes me back from even being with my family. The fear of failure is too alarming to me, added fuel for my anxiety to go through the roof. The confidence to know I don’t want to be in this position anymore. Gives me drive to attack this “nothing” wall. So, let’s knock it down…

Peace and Love

~1~

sunset 2

I often look at water and streams and recognize, even through rocks, a physical force, water still finds a way to get through. resilience.

NOTHING pt.1

Sometimes thinking about nothing can turn into something.

And sometimes that something can blow up over nothing,

And the smallest shit will begin to sting.

And actually, take that back, more factually,

We all suffer from this thing called “pride”.

And it’s taxin’ me.

But for the sake of peace, I only let it burden me.

Who was I supposed to see?

Because if I stood up, or better yet, moved up in ya heart,

Maybe my premeditated motion to shutdown wouldn’t start.

But this was my fault, I’m the bad dog.

Once faithful like Ol’ Yeller, but now I’m shot.

Thinking bout my old ways wit da homies in a hotbox,

Look at me now, “how can I not stop?”

Cliché, but it’s lonely at the top.

But I’m at the bottom, grinding, listening to Bach,

Or Pac, Cole, Boosie, Lamar, and Tunchei.

Thinking about nothing, which turned into something.

And maybe I’m buggin’, But I never want to blow up for nothing.

A man with principle, I will always stand for something.

Being raised as a Black King; I know made others sting.

Reversing the stigma of black being nothing, into “something”….

 

~1~

U Street..My Street…Our Street

*Disclaimer, I wrote this as one of my college essays WAY back in the day, happened to find it cleaning my house.. still hits home to me, hence the post, Please continue love and let the hate die*

-Wade the Waters

My name is André. Born in Dayton, Ohio in a rough area in the 80’s, 86 to be exact. I have two awesome parents, a mother and a father, who have made sacrifices of their own to get me and my brother to where we are now. Not to mention they are still head over hills in love; how I strive to be one of these days. I have a house, a job, and two degrees. I coach, tutor kids in the inner city in math and reading comprehension, as well as the suburbs where I now reside. I am also 6’5 with dreads and hella tattoos.

Why is it that America only sees me as the previous sentence?

Why is America afraid of me?

Why are they afraid of you?

Why are we labeled as “monsters”?

What have I done to you that should be viewed as monstrous?

Why are they still clutching their bags so tight on the bus?

Why can’t “they” acknowledge me when I just said excuse me as I’m trying to maneuver around?

…Do “they” really know the power we possess? Do you?

Black folks, we are a people that were created from the highest power, building pyramids, studying astrology, teaching astrology, art, food, the culture of the world began with us! Don’t you forget it! “The system” and gentrification has changed the overall landscape of the country, from cities like Nashville, Tennessee, all the way to the Nation’s Capital. When the gentrification process takes place it usual involves a raise in property tax, building a few juice stores, an organic market, building a new major road through a “hood”, and watch the change happen. And it seems like white America (who do majority of the gentrifying) is doing it with no shame, no tact, like karma doesn’t exist still. In DC, gentrification has taken over uptown (Northwest corridor of DC), and now the south side, pushing us to other areas in the Metro DC area. The question is why can’t we get them back? Or Is it too late to get them back? Did we lose DC for good? U street was a popular destination for our folks to live, flourish, entertain and have no worries (Hakuna Matata style). H street, Columbia Heights, and the Shaw neighborhood were areas for us. How do we regain that nostalgic satisfaction in a newer generation? How do we rebuild anew? How do we continue to pick up a pot that keeps breaking? Sole Entrepreneurship is that answer. The government has failed us and honestly will continue to. Why are we fighting for someone, something, or some idea that doesn’t and will NEVER love us? This is similar to a woman I dated that cheated on me, but her ass was phat, so I tried to turn a blind eye and not look at her phone knowing she talking to Jack who resides in Old Town Alexandria. “Maybe it’s because he has all them damn stocks and that boat by the river, ugh”. Knowing he comes from that “long money”, I was the first to graduate college in my family (HBCU at that).

U street and all those areas I just mentioned are in fact probably lost forever in terms of African- American gain. The question is are you going to let history repeat itself for our new areas we live in? I’m sure as hell not! Standing our ground is the true way, turning the cheek is not. We’re tired of turning that cheek. If America comes for our black businesses and neighbors, to destroy it in any way, will you retaliate? There may be another period where your kid’s kids will be forced out. But you can start now to fix that and build that generational wealth up. This is a call for all black folks to get…it…together.

But listen clear and understand what I am saying, we are not to strike first. We need to have a “one and done” notion here. Meaning, if America so much as offer us bribes, threats, even a gift basket, we politely decline; tell them “no” we are black owned and will be black owned FOREVER. Tell them if they come around again after you have declined their offers, matters will be taken into the community’s hands as see fit. In these times, we can not leave any space for wiggle room or error in how we present our requests. Most of all, take pride in telling America that you decline! Your people WILL support you. Spread the word!

Sensitive people will say this is “race war” talk, “you don’t like white people”, “this is not the Christian way”-

  1. This isn’t a race war. This is an “equality war”. Equality means the state of being equal. Would you say America is equal? The real American history will say no. Harriett Tubman, Marcus Garvey, Sojourner Truth, Fredrick Douglas, Malcolm X and MLK, all strived for equality by many tactics, some agreed with, some disagreed with, majority FAILED. However, these folks showed us it can be down, we can be heard!
  2. I LOVE white people, I HATE crackas, and only crackas will be offended by this statement.
  3. As a Christian man, I love all people but will not tolerate disrespect from someone who hates me and doesn’t know me, And their assumptions of me probably stemmed from a generational construct, which it is not my job to tear down… do your research, if your serious.

trump

I ask America simply, Why? Especially for my people of color, but free speech will prevail

My question is what makes you think your black skin is even valuable here? In America? You think the good ‘ol Declaration of Independence was to make YOU feel free? You thought “We the People” included your hue? Let’s not kid ourselves, not 250 years ago we were still 3/5’s a man. I think dogs and cats had more “rights” then. In America, “We the People” meant “We the White People”. So, what value does your skin really have in their eyes?

Look at most of America today. We BUILT this motherfucker. Our ancestor, bled, cried, were raped, separated, castrated, experimented on, and murdered for the landmarks in our country. So Drew Brees can miss me with that bullshit, as if Black Americans don’t know what the flag means, and who REALLY stitched!!! I’m saying “our” because we built it. Places like Washington, DC, Philadelphia, New York City, Chicago, Cleveland, St. Louis, New Orleans; we built those cities. And now who is the new slave? Hispanics! You guys please uncover the wool from your eyes before it’s too late. I respect the Hispanic community though! As a youth moving from Ohio to Virginia, I met the first Hispanic person I ever knew, and they spoke Spanish, it was a culture shock to me. However, the real eye opener was to see how they empowered each other. It was a blessing to see. I pray the whites don’t screw ya’ll like they are doing us. I have a solution for our people.

We need to start positioning ourselves to be the cream of the crop again, especially financial, capital gains are key to American dominance. Too many decades and centuries have passed for us to still be shitted on. Black communities, it’s our time and a time to welcome others; our own. Yes, this approach has been applied before but not at this magnitude, especially with social media. Our time is now. Black owned stores, businesses like skating rinks, restaurants, banks, hospitals, schools, and cops; someone we feel safe to speak to, not to fear. We need to know these people, like they need to know us. We depend of states and the will to provide our kids with an education with books older than them. Washington DC aka Chocolate City used to have this problem in the late 90’s, and this is the capital of the country. And blacks were the ones getting these outdated books.

Why do we keep putting up with this? Then complain when our kids are struggling with math; a universal language, and can’t get into a school they desire, and that’s only if they were made aware of the opportunities of college. It’s our time now people. Of course, this won’t be 100% effective. There will be holes in the plan, which can always be filled. But a time and a place is all we need. The time is now, and the place is America, the place we built. I’m not going back to Africa, I’m from Dayton, Ohio! What to do with the individuals who can’t, won’t or refuse to live for the people in our peaceful black communities? Let the Vikings have them. They will find out how silly their mistake was and a lesson they will never forget, urging to come back to our community. Oh yea, we will patent ALL our music, clothes, style, slang, walk, inventions. We want all of our coins, and rightfully so. This was Americas strong hold on the black race.

“Separate but equal” is what I’m preaching. I still feel we need a connection with the white man but not in a community living type of scenario. We need them in a therapeutic sense. Malls, parks, highways, white folks are everywhere, and they make it known. Analyze them like they have been doing us from the day we got off the Isabella slave ship. See how they operate, see what they do, what they laugh at, who they are laughing at, who are they fighting for, see how they help when someone is in need. Then come “home” to our community and just feel the warmth. It’s our time. We need to claim it. Not all white people are bad, I understand and fully grasp that concept very well. I have my reasons.

I NEED MORE JOHN BROWN’S ON MY TEAM IF YOUR GOING TO BE HERE. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY

Not all of us can be trusted either, hence if rules are broken within our community they can be removed. We were always a loving, caring, nurturing, FORGIVING people and always will be. Americans dark past has been swept under a confederate rug and the rug hasn’t been thrown out yet. It will continue to leave a mark on all its people until we address, but right now we still allow it. I’m fucking tired.

We need to protest and I’m glad to see people are doing it!!!! Keep it up America. The wage gap between blacks and whites is literally night and day (pun intended), were white america’s median income is 10x the amount of blacks and it’s not getting any better. Remember what I said about attaining capital. Capital is key in America. Stop purchasing products from white establishments, Stop buying clothes you can’t afford, Stop using credit cards, those are the devil! Let us live within our means first and them grow as a unit and show America who is really the Kings and Queens. The time is now!

grand daddy

This man showed me what it took to grind, and grind together as a people. The black dollar had some weight.

Wade the Waters

~1~

My man, 100 grand: Letter to me

I have a dear friend, who just like me, loves to write. Loves to express. Loves to be transparent, while also remaining hidden. A feeling I know all too well. So, when I received a letter, from him about some of the current issues he’s been battling. I sat down with him and had a good conversation. We laughed, shed some real tears, just thankful to make it out. We spoke about the things we want in our future. Speaking it into existence. His letter was so impactful to me, I had no choice but to reach out to him and ask if I could share this with the world. He agreed. Here’s his story. Here’s how he wades the waters:

 

                       Satisfied with my life right now would be a lie. I’m happy but still find myself in this dark ass place in life. I can’t describe it, at times it has me thinking I’m better off not here. I really don’t want to speak that into the universe but it’s the truth, my truth. A daily battle. Like I stated, I still smile, say “hi”, hold doors, even drop the occasional gem of knowledge to others.

I never seem to take my own advice and that has affected me deeply. What do I want? How about this, to feel the same feelings I had when I was 10, or any time around that. God could you go and surprise me, turn back the hands of time for me this once? The feeling of smiling, internally feeling good about myself, confidence. I had a lot of that at 10. You feel me? Can you really understand this? Instead I just produce a dull, lackluster smile to try and cover up the pain I feel inside. Talk about rough… I have a hard time sharing, so I had to write it. I tend to freeze up and mis-speak when I’m passionate. My mind tends to go 100 mph and so follow my poorly constructed verbiage spewing from my mouth.

I was super close to writing something dark; not saying this topic isn’t. This letter was comprised from a dark place, with glimpses of hope. Similar to a brisk, cloudy morning, then out of nowhere sun breaks through the clouds and the warmth hits your skin… I even contemplated writing a piece about me at my own funeral; and I was giving the eulogy. “What do people really know about him? Do they know how much he was hurting? How will they take knowing I felt better gone?” Then I put my pen down and say to myself, “I can not put this our in the universe”.  Pushed my seat back, put my hands over my hand and let out a small cry, enough to even have my dogs come to my aid. They can sense my pain. It just feels like I’m at a cross between wanting to cry and not wanting to cry alone; at the same time, I want to expose my pain to someone. Crying and basketball is the only release I truly get. That is gut wrenching and my pride won’t let me to allow transparency to anyone. Clearly I have some pain.

My therapist does help here and there. I use the tools she equipped me with to get through these times (i.e. writing, exercise, communication). It is sometimes the fact I look up and I’m in this situation that has me sulking almost on a daily. I feel I have pushed all my friends and everyone woman I dated away because of this cloud. Who is that fair to? What’s even worse is I have grown custom to feeling this way. As if this should be the norm. And the folks I push away, I see them soar and do great things. Wishing I could be apart of it, but I’m cheering from the sideline. So the fight continues. I refuse to be on the bench and not starting. I want to be in the game. I want to be someone’s MVP.

But like most, I don’t know what my future entails. All I know is to say my prayers, be nice to one another, speak my mind, and stay focused. That way something positive can manifest; or at least that’s my theory.

Just pray for me… for the weight seems unbearable… but as my family says, “It means you’re alive”.

-Anonymous ♥

IMG_20190629_111556-EFFECTS

Wade the Waters